At the core of all anger is a need that is not being fulfilled - Marshall B. Rosenberg
Are you an honest person? Do you consider yourself a very honest person? Most of us do. How about lying, do you lie? I will help you with this. Yes, we all lie. How can we explain that? Here’s how it works. In your mind, you know who you are but why would someone lie who values honesty? No one told you to be honest. You want to be honest. However, if you think being honest will cost you one of your needs like love or certainty you will lie. You might call it a white lie but you will lie. Do you agree?
Need No. 2
However, there are some people how never lie. Because they value certainty of always telling the truth so much.
You can meet the need for certainty (Need no 1) in so many ways and what if you were certain every moment in your life what’s going to happen before it happens? What if you knew what people are going to say before they are going to say it? What if you would feel what they are going to feel? In the beginning that would feel really exciting. After a while if you would know what is going to happen, when is going to happen and how is going to happen what would that feel? You would feel bored out of your mind. That is why we have the second human need. Uncertainty. Variety.
Do you like surprises?
We have a need for uncertainty. We have a need for surprise. We have a need for variety. Long time ago William Cooper have written Variety is the spice of life. How many of you love surprise? Do you love surprises? Most of you are going to say Yes without any hesitation. I hate to tell you that but you are massively mistaken. You love surprises you want. Surprises you don’t want to just don’t want. You call them Problems. So, don’t say you like surprises because you only like surprise you want.
More than one
Can you meet more than one need with the same action, emotion or belief system? There no doubt that you can do it and you actually do it every day. Anytime your mind perceives that doing something, believing something or feeling something meets at least three of your needs then you’ll became addicted to that thought, that feeling, that emotion or that action. You can be positively addicted or negatively addicted but you’re going to be addicted.
Watching the same movie
Is it possible to meet your need for certainty and uncertainty even thou they are opposite needs? Who of you have ever rented a movie you have already seen? Who of you have ever played a game you have already finished? Don’t beat yourself up, we have all done it but why do we do it? It’s because we have seen it before so we are certain that it’s good. In addition, we hope it was so long that we forgot enough and it will meet the need for variety when we’re going to watch or play it again.
Positive or negative?
How do you get variety? Similarly, to certainty, you can do it in a positive, neutral or negative way. You can get variety by learning, growing, taking on a new goal, new challenge. You can get variety through a conversation with a friend. There are so many way of getting variety. You can also get variety in negative ways. It can be meet by smoking, taking drugs, alcohol. It can be picking a random fight on the street. There are so many way to get variety.
Need No. 3
The third human need is significance. The need to feel unique. The need to feel special. Important. Who has a need to feel special? Everybody. Even the people who say they don’t want to feel special. Everybody has a need to feel special. There are a lot of ways to feel special. You can do it by working like crazy. You can do it by taking huge risk and achieving something. You can also tear down everybody else who tries to achieve something. There are two ways to have the tallest building in town. Once is to work harder than everybody else, take risk and build the tallest building. The other one is to blow up everybody else’s building. By the way which one is faster? Which one is easier? Which takes less time and effort? Which one takes less intelligence and less money?
Gun to your head
Tearing is always easier. It happens faster. That’s why we always had violence and we always will unless there’s a consciousness change. If all the sudden I put a gun to your head, on a scale one to ten how certain I’m going to be that you’re going to respond to me now? A hundred. And how significant I’m going to be in your life in that moment? A hundred. I’m going to be most significant thing in your life and a moment ago you didn’t know I’ve existed. I don’t need intelligence. I don’t need knowledge. I don’t need skills. Every time I’m going to do it, it’s going to be a different game because you’re going to respond in a different way so I’m going to get variety. This way we get three needs. But violence doesn’t end there because the fourth need is connection and love.
Need No. 4
Most people are too afraid to love because they’ve loved and they’ve been disappointed or they loved and they‘ve lost that love. Now they settle for the shreds of connection because that’s safer. That’s a form of a need. A very low level of a need but it’s still part of a need and we’ve got to meet it.
Going back to the situation of you having gun to your head, are we going to be connected? Yes, in a very sick way, we are going to be connected. Violence meet four of human needs and that’s why we’ve always had it.
Everyone finds their way
We can meet significance in a positive way. You can be significantly more generous than anyone else and that generosity gives you a sense of significance because you know you are really a giver, you’re not trading, you’re not exchanging. You can get significance by the way you dress. You can get significance by getting more tattoos and earrings. You can know more about box scores and sports to be significant. Everyone finds a way to be significant.
Most people find a way to be significant by having a significant problem. Why? Because if I’m really successful you can like me for a while but pretty soon most people get annoyed with someone how’s always happy and successful. Easy for you! But if you have humongous problem people are not going to be upset with you. You’re not competing with them. You tell them you have a huge problem and they say Oh, I understand. That’s why most of us unconsciously learn to create big problems as a way to connect because it’s a safest way to connect and not be rejected. Some people do it by trying to please everybody all the time. Thinking that if they please you enough you’ll come back to them and give them what they really want. But it rarely works the way they wish.
Those are the four basic human needs. Certainty. Uncertainty. Significance. Love and Connection. The big question in life is not whether you’re going to meet your needs. The only question is how? Is it obtainable or sustainable? Is it empowering, neutral or negative?
Thanks for reading! 🙂
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